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Chris Harrison is about to pee his panties, while Blakeley looks like someone is gonna jump out and donkey-punch in the throat—PSYCH!

At first, it looked she was gonna say “Are you kidding me? I can’t marry you after a month of hand-holding during reality show clip time.” But in the end, she said yes, and now she gets a lifetime of cable. An hour in, the final two couples come out: Matthew Mc Conaughey and his partner—the future Marlboro spokeswoman—and Gerard Butler and his whore.

Throughout the course of the finale, Chris Harrison takes a look back, and each time I fast-forward.If I wanted to re-cap the season’s best moments, I’d re-read my posts.Upon introductions of the cast, no one claps for the twins or Jamie, and the defending champ Michael gives the audience a homo-sexy wave.Sometimes I wonder how this one scores with the ladies!Chris Harrison asks if there’s still animosity and she says she’s still angry and their friendship has never been the same.

Hatchet Face claims she was the “Puppetmaster”, controlling the game, and I would tend to agree.Right off, Rachel targets Michael and his womanizing ways.She felt like their relationship was growing and they might have had something special after the show like Blakeley and Tony’s shotgun wedding. I’m a musician, and I tell women what they want to hear all the time. Bowchickabowwow.” It sounds like Michael told her he didn’t want an LDR while they were cuddling and making out.Either Chris was high, like Nick was most of the time, or the editing was really bad because his rebuttal was there were no rules so he brought Ericka Rose into the deliberation room where she gave him a handy. He plays the humbled card, telling everyone to vote for Sarah, not him. Jamie hates that Chris is banging Sarah, so she votes for Rachel & Nick (R&N). Blakeley wants to donkey punch Chris in the throat. Ericka Rose’s vote is the other one that baffles me, since I thought she was friends with Rachel and Hatchet Face. Donna votes for R&N because the gold digger wants to finish where she left off with Nick. Tony votes for R&N because if he voted the other way Blakeley would probably throw the ring at him. They deliberate while everyone else speculates what they’ll decide.Sarah tries to defend Chris; everyone rolls their eyes. Kalon is bros with Chris, so he throws a vote his way. Hatchet Face wants Rachel to pick keep because she deserves it more.The first pressing topic to be addressed is the status of Kalon and Lindzi, who confirm they’re doing an LDR, but Ericka Rose chimes in with “Be careful”.